Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize