Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
