My room smells like vodka and shame
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
she peed on how many people?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You are the jesus of drinking
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