come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
