hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
