well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
