The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
