I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
