Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
