For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
