i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
