were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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