im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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