he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
