so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
