my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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