Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
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