I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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