I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
