I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
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So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
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is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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