If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
