weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
