listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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