Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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