I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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