Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
