I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
