the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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