I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just high enough for therapy.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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