So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
