I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
