No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
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Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
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A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
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