fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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