some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
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some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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