Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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