I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Randomize
