I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
wanna go halves on a baby?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
