Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
