I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
