Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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