I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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