Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
