We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
