I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
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I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
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I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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