I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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