right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
