I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
