so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
