Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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