I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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