Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
