Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
