guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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