is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
