what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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