i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
