You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
