we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
