Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I have fence marks all over my body
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Can't talk, ducks in the car
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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